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shanealexander (
shanealexander) wrote,
Long responce to previous sexual assualt comment from
To clarify your suspicions of whether or not I am jealous of Kamo,I will admit you are absolutely right,but only partially.
When we met in 2005 one of the things I saw in him was the fact he was super intelligent and good with finances and determined,drug and alcohol free....all the things I definitely was not at the time.
On the flip side of the coin my life was a chaotic roller coaster,I smoked,drank,did drugs,partied and have continually succeeded only in failure,but I learned how to survive on the streets,so I knew enough to atleast get by and to survive.
I thought we were the perfect balance of being exact opposites,yet exactly alike because we had almost all the same interests and it seemed like a perfect fit then. It seemed like his strengths were my weaknesses and vise versa.
I was able to have conversations with him like nobody I ever was before and he made me feel fantastic at first,telling me all these grand adventures of his life,his experiences,jobs,school that he did and painted himself as the sad little broken boy living with his mother that just wanted an opportunity for someone to love him and give him a chance.
And since im broken (Like alot of furries can be) I also love broken guys and I was very lonely at the time knowing NO other furs here in phoenix and I ate up everything he said like candy and we were immediately inseparable.
We dated long distance at first,either me driving to him or him driving to me and after a few months we talked about him moving in with me since I lived in a better city and he could make more money and have more opportunity here.
I was concerned about him moving in so quickly but he was very persuasive and we had long conversations about how I live,like the fact that I smoke and I drink and I like to live a certain way and he said he was totally fine with me and loved me just how I was,and wasn't going to try and change me.
He sobbed to me how bad he just wanted to get out of his mothers house and told me how bad he just wanted to get away from Tuscon and start over and I not only felt bad for him,but I loved him too,so I took a chance and had to jump threw hoops and do alot of things I didn't want to to make it happen but I did it.
Withen the first week he moved in everything changed.....my entire life and everything I did was now under scrutiny,and every day that went by he became less and less of the sad eyed boy I feel in love with and just a nagging,overbearing,emotionally abusive person and i dove even deeper into drinking,smoking weed and pills to just try to drown him out of my head.
As fate would have it I was unexpectedly but very welcomly given a 9 month old german shepherd puppy about a month after Kamo moved in and Kamo despised him immediately,partly because I didnt want him touched sexually,partly because the puppy wanted nothing to do with him and lastly because I now payed more attention to the puppy than I did him and he was vocally angered by this telling me I was a horrible mate for getting a dog that I wanted and he knew it beforehand.
I also caught shit from my other roomate who held the lease on that rental house and Kamo got him all stirred up to also hassle me about the dog and after about two weeks or so of that I was so fucking miserable I just decided to give the dog away because I couldn't deal with the stress from teh 2 of them.
I was upset and I cried and I had people coming to take him and THEN he and the roommate changed their tune after seeing how emotional it made me,apologized and allowed me to keep my puppy.....things got better until the Puppy got more and more fearful of him to the point of running away from him pissing on himself and upon checking him found his anus was bleeding one day.....the fight was our first colossal one.
Of course he denied it at first,and then after me making certain threats he eventually admitted to it making excuses in areas that are sensitive to my own issues and very stupidly I forgave him and we moved forward anyway.
I really didn't feel it was his fault and that I could fix him,and he convinced me I would never find anyone like him and we were meant to be together and I didn't want to be alone and had 0% self esteem,so I allowed myself to believe it and forget it.
After a few more months went by and he got crueler and cold and then one day he asked me to do something that caused me serous injury to my penis and while I was frantic calling emergency rooms and friends in the medical field he LAUGHED in my face about it leaving any sexual desire I had for him completely gone.
Everything was in shambles by our 6th month and he made me so miserable I wanted to just kill myself and get it over with because death had to be better than being with him.
I couldn't do anything I wanted to do,he emasculated me in our sex life,he tried to hijack my dog as his own even after ALL that garbage and just constantly making me feel like a worthless partner and I saw no more point of going on.
I gave him a letter breaking up with him and went out to my truck,swallowed a fistfull of pills and intended on drinking myself to death by chugging a bottle of black velvet.
After I was hunched over my steering wheel unconscious Kamo drug me out of my truck,into the house and I puked enough of it up that I didn't die.
At that point,I can honestly say that he probably saved my life and the next day I was grateful,but the relationship was still over and we agreed to split but stay in the same room in the same bed which turned into a disaster within a week.
NOW anytime I pissed off Kamo all he did was use the fact that he saved my life against me making me feel like shit anytime I ever defended myself or felt mistreated and I asked him to leave and find somewhere else to go,and he continued berating me about how stupid I am and how i will never find anyone better than him.
He then riled the lease holding roomate up once again,being the sad eyed boy who just wants a second chance making it look like I was kicking him out on the streets with nowhere to go when he had perfect credit,2 parents willing to help him and had way more money than I did at the time.
He only stayed because it suited him alot better to stay there just to spite me and keep me miserable for breaking up with him then him just going somewhere else so I in turn moved out of my OWN room and out of my OWN bed to sleep on the couch just to get away from him.
A few months went on and he found someone new and so did I......he was still living in the house and some part of me still felt obligated to him so I went to him and we worked things out and agreed just to stay best friends,and we were best friends for some time and for sometime that worked until a few years later when
I got in a really bad situation and Kamo took me in,but with many conditions and strings attached.
I did alot of work on his house,cars,yard,ran his errands,watched his dogs and he tried very hard to make me a slave since i was living in his house.
He was given a rescue dog by Sem Jay that was special needs,but very cute and very sweet named Black jack.
He very quickly discovered Blackjack was not interested in sex so I took care of him and fell in love with him....he was a really special dog and i wanted to keep him,but since he was no good with sex and he had to be neutered anyway since that was the condition of the rescue he was NOT allowed to stay.
Blackjack was re-homed to some stupid woman,got out a gate and run over by a car and killed withen a week.....this crushed me and Kamo didn't even care citing it was on Sem jay for finding him stupid ppl to adopt him.
Sometime around there the incident I filed charges on him for happened and he laughed about that and after I got sick a few days later he laughed again and he delighted in the fact that he may have ruined me for other guys and he told me I wanted it,which i did NOT......Our sex life was OVER and DONE when we split....Yes we cuddled,yes we slept next to eachother,we would even still see eachother naked and grope eachother once in awhile,but as best friends and NOT in a sexual relationship and there was NO miscommunication about that.
So what do you do when you live with and love someone like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? I still very stupidly forgave him,because at the time I felt i deserved it,and I still didn't want to except his behavior was his fault....I was also living with him,and needed his help and I had nowhere else to go and no money and no credit.
Then things started to get better when I met a new mate and moved him here with me and felt alot better until Kamo told him that I said it was ok to have sex with him while I left,did stuff with him behind my back and then I got the clap a few days later,we ALL had to go get tested and go threw a ton of bullshit and medication.
This caused a new level of drama,i moved out and STILL allowed him to convince me to forgive him AGAIN and i STILL wanted to believe somehow this was all my fault and not his.
Then I was doing good for several months until I was hurt on the job and got into a deep depression and hooked real bad on painkillers and alcohol completely unable to work.
I entered a very dark place and the only one I ever confided in was kamo...i had a surgery coming up and something inside me felt like impending doom,and even tho it was only a shoulder surgery I scared and couldn't tell anyone how I felt but Kamo and he told me he would be there for me and I even scheduled the surgery around his schedule for him but the day of the surgery he ditched me to go get a wolf hybrid.
This devastated me again.
More drama,more fights,friends taking sides....eventually just like ALL the other times I allowed myself to listen to our mutual friends,and he made me feel like it was all my fault and i was being inconsiderate of his feelings and I caved again allowing him back into my life.
Now is about the time Bad dragon was starting up and me and Kamo and all the original founders were really good friends at the time,seeing eachother atleast once a week or more.
Kamo had no part of the start up but he wanted in,and he persisted and persisted and EVERYONE knew it was a BAD idea....no shortage of that talk from anyone,but just like Kamo does,one by one he broke everyone down and convinced them it was the best thing for them and since NONE of them have a spine they caved,let him in and quietly complained about it everyday and Kamos ways and the shitty things he did and said to people.
Any of the ORIGINAL crew from Bad Dragon that did not bend to his every demand was run out and shunned one way or another,made out to be looked like an idiot or crazy until he only had a crew he had COMPLETE control over.
The only person I remotely even remember standing up to Kamo was Athus ,and after the accident Kamo used that as his opportunity and honed his skills,his manipulation,intimidation and bulldozed and preyed on a mourning crew of broken friends and co workers or ANYONE else that got in his way.
The day Athus died was my birthday and Athus was my friend.
I was even texting a few of them wanting to hang out,and then towards the end of the day everyone just went silent and I had no idea why.....only several days later I found out by a public post made on FA what happened.
Athus died less than 10 miles from my home and NONE of the ppl at Bad Dragon felt it relevant to notify or involve me and I was told that Kamo INTENTIONALLY told everyone to keep me out of it and not get me involved.
Why? What did I do to deserve that?
Nothing......I did nothing to any of them to deserve anything even remotely so cold.
But I saw what happened and why from a distance.....Kamo took that tragedy as his opportunity and made his mark.
Whatever he convinced everyone else I had done was to keep me away so nobody I wouldn't stir the pot and call him out on what he was doing.
I continued to here the stories of the shitty things he did to people and his employees for years and we didn't speak for a long time.
But we still had alot of mutual friends,and some of them wanted to see us talking again so eventually somehow we did,but now things were different.
It was never the same after that,I knew for certain the things he did,the way I was played and what he did to everyone else.
Everyone asked me to stay out of it and I figured that would be best,and we talked to each other over the remaining years up until a few months ago just enough to keep track of each other.
And what did I get for staying out of it? Nothing but watching people I loved and cared about being hurt by him....by this monster that I brought here,and without knowing it I turned into a monster of sorts myself.
(Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.) -Friedrich Nietzsche
It took me years and tons of self help and shrinks and therapy to figure out Kamo was that monster and the abyss I kept looking back into.....and unfortunately now so have so many others because I didn't stop it from the start.
He would see me at parties and gatherings and hug me and smile to my face and then tell me how he fucked a love interest of mine at a con or somewhere and made them moan like a bitch or something similar to watch my expressions of sadness and disgust just get a rise out of it.
I grew to hate him with the fire of 1000 suns because I knew theres nothing I can do without bringing up all my own dirt and jeopardizing other people at bad dragon by saying or doing anything,but the last fucking straw was that Twitter post he made,or atleast I assume he made it because he told me he was Duke more than once.
Either way whether he made that post personally or not Kamo makes the most profit off of Bad Dragon and it was a giant blatant FUCKYOU to every person Kamo has ever come across,used,hurt and tossed away like trash when they no longer suited any purpose for his own gain whether it be for sex,or personal servant,employee or whatever.
And do you know what my seemingly worthless internet pleading did?
It got me over 200 positive responses of people either thanking me because either they were effected directly by Kamo this way or by somebody else in this fandom in a similar fashion,but Kamo definitely,with out a doubt fucked over many in some really fucking horrible ways and every time you buy a Bad Dragon Product you put money in his pocket.
So you think im selfish for what im doing because of the other employees of bad dragon?
If you would have asked me that a week ago the answer would have been yes.........now the answer is no.
After the responses ive had I now have no doubt that what I did was not only right,but worth every single risk I made to fuck myself over in the process,and believe me I definitely have no intentions of coming out of this unscathed.
My opinion now is that Bad Dragon DESERVES to be Boycotted and closed unless ownership changes hands and the cancer that the Original owners allowed to happen is removed.
Any blame needs to be directed at Varka,Raith and yes,even Narse for knowing what Kamo was doing and never standing up to him.
None of them have an excuse....and none of the employees that know of all these things and say nothing have no excuse either.
The powers that be could get him out if they wanted to,and they could redistribute his shares back to the employees if they wanted too, the they all damn sure know enough to do it,and they know all of this is true.
But they wont because money means more than honor now,and their so afraid and so spineless to Kamo that they just do their best to be good little puppets and pretend none of this goes on and none of this happens and that this will just all blow over and all go away.....well its not going away this time.
And i will no longer shed a tear for any of them because their ability to NOT act and to NOT speak up and to NOT stop all of this is on THEIR heads while they sleep on their pillowcases made of cash or the petty need to grasp outwards for some sort of deluded validation and/or prestige from being a furry cocksmith.
None of them will say anything because they were all handpicked to keep their mouths shut.and have chosen whats most convenient for them instead of what is right.
And karma...its a bitch and the train is coming around the bend.
They have all sold their souls,and they disgrace Athus's memory with what they have allowed to be.
And im done with revenge,there is NO such thing as sweet revenge.
I redirected my life to do things out of love and the desire to succeed at something in life besides only being a failure. And to me thats not making a million dollars. To me its making a difference in this fandom that I love and bringing about a positive change to this world we live in or to die trying despite the consequences.
So going back to the beginning am I jealous of Kamo when I see him with a ferrari and all these fursuits and nice homes and cars and toys? Of course i am,but I also have things he is jealous of that he can never have like people who love me despite not having the material things he does,and really,truly knowing what love feels like and being able to be open and honest about my issues and my past mistakes without hesitance and without fear.
While Kamo lies,manipulates and continues fucking people over and assaulting people he hides in the shadows,changes his fursonas and handles,moves his home and his shop every few years and changes the cars he drives like socks making most everyone he invites in his home or shop sign ridiculous no disclosure agreements ,ALL just a very calculated and paranoid attempt to cover his tracks.
And anyone that actually knows him and denies it is either fooled like I was for so many years or just as bad as he is.....And why?...because if you gaze into the abyss long enough the abyss will eventually gaze back into you.
The good news is you can change it if you want to.
